Answered by Shaykh Abul ‘Ataa Ahmad Banaja (may Allah preserve him)
If a wife allowed her husband to do polygamy but after that she said she doesn’t love it anymore even though she accepts it?
Its okay for you not to love it even though its not the best from your side because you should love everything that comes from Allah including polygamy. Human are imperfect but Allah’s rules are absolute. An advice, If everyone sets the agreement and contentment of his first wife as a condition for polygamy, this hukm in islam would be abandoned or impossible.
Normally if a woman agrees about polygamy in the beginning ,they would change for a while because of the transition period when they see the husband missing from the house, and lots of his belongings needs to be divided, new smell, new smile etc at that moment the jealousy will start. It’s normal and it doesn’t mean she hates polygamy.
I wrote a book called ; بغية الشجعان بأحكام التعدد بالنسوان which means a gift for the Brave ones, regarding the rules of polygamy, because I believe the people who intend to practice polygamy, they need to be brave beside being able in terms of financial or physical conditions. Even their heart needs to be strong, especially nowadays to face the present wife, the family, the community, the situation etc.
Learning theory alone is not enough as its normal for the man to do mistakes in the beginning until he learns.
One thing which lots of woman doesn’t realize is, polygamy is harder on the men than the women. You need to divide everything in your life into two, three or four. Its not something simple. Don’t think only about the sexual matter and you neglect/forget about all other issues.
In the end, if you are capable financially, physically and mentally, whilst you are able to fulfill the rights of your present wife completely like how she deserves (according to your ability) then just go for it. Never put your present wife prior to your own decision or judgement. Put your trust in Allah, after its been put into practice all will be ok.
And If you want to open the topic out of love, mercy and respect to your present wife before second marriage (this is not an obligation) and you have the intention of really stepping into it then be sure that you are going to be firm with your own decision because the point of it is to inform not to discuss and this applies for the husband who is fulfilling her rights.
And here i advice my brothers to never make this topic as a joke with your family because this behavior would create rejection within the women if it’s been done over time. And when the reality comes, their feeling towards it has already turned unpleasant.
And you must understand, your wife might go angry or upset for sometimes. Then by the will of Allah, she will return back to normal situation due to her taqwa and deen. If not , all praise be to Allah, you have gotten a pious one (in sha Allah).
And for a capable and just man who is already providing his first wife her complete needs according to his ability, then I believe that he is in a great loss if he is not practicing polygamy.
NOTE: If you cannot be just with your present wife or are unable to fulfill her needs then she is allowed to stop you because the new member would decrease the supply of her needs even more. Therefore it makes a complete sense for her to say No! But when you give her more than what she needs, and you have more ability in providing for another house (more responsibility) without decreasing her needs in all aspects (physically, financially and emotionally etc.), she is not allowed to object you.
For me its a kind of weakness for a man that has the will and ability in getting another wife but is restricting himself out of fear from his wife!
And i believe the women that are restricting and putting rules on their husband whilst he is fulfilling there needs are greedy and selfish. As they prioritize their own nafs before the rule of Allah talaa. For those women that threatens with what they have (using the children) or (asking for divorce) is more misguided and more far.
In the end polygamy is not just a matter of men but it relates to the women if her rights been neglected.
Allah mentions in the quran :
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا۟ فِى ٱلْيَتَٰمَىٰ فَٱنكِحُوا۟ مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ ٱلنِّسَآءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَٰثَ وَرُبَٰعَۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا۟ فَوَٰحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَٰنُكُمْۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعُولُوا۟
And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice. (An-Nisa 4:3)
I advise my brothers and sisters, Polygamy is either a dunya Paradise or dunya Hell. One of it. That’s why be sure who you are going to choose to share your polygamy life with.
Don’t choose a woman that could be in conflict with your present wife .
That’s why when you choose your new wife be sure you consider the situation and the personality of your first wife that is really important.
Insha Allah, in the future I hope to speak more in details to benefit our brothers and sisters about this matter.